#7 - or, wait a second...my mom calls me grace.

Wow, it's been a while since I've had anything to say. Well, that's not entirely true...it seems that I always have something to say. I suppose lately, my problem is that I haven't been too great at listening. I only write when I feel like I have something that I want to say, and that usually comes once I feel like I'm understanding the current lesson before me. I guess this one is just taking a bit longer...but, I wanted to share some of the things I'm currently considering.

I've had lots of people tell me that they look forward to reading this blog and I can't even begin to express how happy and grateful that makes me...I thought when I began this process that most everyone I know might think I was more than a little crazy. But, I've found that this is really more of therapy for me. An outlet to journal, if you will, the things that I feel like I'm learning as I'm going through a divorce - and ultimately (and maybe even more importantly), as I'm going through life. But, if this little blog brings some comfort to someone going through trials in their life, to God be the glory for that...because it's all Him, and none of me.

Now, on to the real story of my life lately...

All my life I've been clumsy. Really clumsy. My parents probably should have taken out stock in Band-Aid, Neosporin, and Ace Bandages when I came along. Seriously. For the majority of my childhood, my legs and arms were constantly covered in bruises, cuts, and scrapes (thanks, Richie). I can not remember a time when I didn't have a single band-aid or bruise somewhere. Admittedly, the fact that I look like Snow White probably doesn't help. Because of my ability to find a way to hurt myself daily, my mom called me "Grace" for the better part of most of my childhood. It was a term of endearment...I think. And, I think for a little while there, I probably answered more to 'Grace' than Ashley. I thought I was over that phase of my life...until I totally busted it a couple of weeks ago. And, I think more than a bruised and swollen ankle, it was a reminder of my 'Grace'ful days.

For someone who has plenty of faults, though - Grace is something that I still don't think I've mastered. I'm still not certain that anyone ever masters the art, but I'd like to think that I could keep striving for that for the rest of my life. In my quest to further understand grace, I picked up a book the other day - The Grace Awakening. I've learned a lot in my life about acceptance, love, and grace...but I have always felt like I was still missing the mark in a lot of ways.

I think I expect grace because I have a God who gives it. But sometimes, I find it difficult to show grace...and every time I feel like I'm losing this battle, it stings a little. "Grace Killers" - that's what the book calls people who act like me sometimes. Well, that was enough to grab my attention...and it provoked my heart to consider the grace (or lack thereof) that I show others. And in the process, I considered the effects of my actions...and I found something very interesting. My inability to show grace - or to pick and choose the things and people and situations to which I show grace - was hurting me a great deal. And to take it a step further, these kinds of actions weren't speaking very highly of me. Why do the choices some people make in their lives bother me so badly? And, why do I let things get to me like I do? The answer: because I don't show blind grace. I'm learning that it doesn't matter - Christ showed grace to everyone, all the time...and therefore, I should as well. What would happen if I was the only person in creation who God decided shouldn't receive grace for one particular action or another. It scares me to think of being "the lesson" - but, this is something I find myself doing all too often.

And, as it often does, one thought leads to another, and I've also considered whether I have some kind of superiority complex. I began asking myself if I really judge myself at my best, and others at their worst? The answer: an overwhelming yes. But why? Call it my selfish, fleshly nature...I'm not really sure at this point - but I am looking for the answer on that one.

I think this lesson isn't over - but I think what I've gotten out of it so far is: it really doesn't matter what I think about things - it matters what God thinks. And, if God gives grace so freely - I should, as well. I'm certain that if God let things bother him, like I let bother me - we'd all be living in a very different world. I've had my eyes opened up on this lately, and the things that I'm learning about myself are things that make me feel a little ill. I've made some huge mistakes in my life - I've taken the reins and acted as if I could chart my own course, call my own plays, and decide who deserved what from me. I've been trying to apologize for that lately...trying to right some wrongs. Those are hard words to say no matter how much (or how little) time has passed. But, God's timing is always perfect - and when He leads you to say the things that you should say - His voice comes through...and His word never returns void. So, I'm trusting that He is working through me and working on me (even still) on this.

Which brings me back to my childhood - and reminds me of that song we sang when we were little: "...He's still workin' on me, to make me what I ought to be..." Thank goodness for we have someone who is always on our side, always willing to teach us how to do life...someone who is always still workin' on us.

#6 - or, how do i rejoice when i really want to cry? or, thoughts of a recently single girl on the mushiest day of the year.

I hate the mushy love stuff. Can't stand all that ooey-gooey, drippy sweet stuff. I think for most people who read what I write - they're shocked that I'm actually a girl. I just never really got into that stuff, and so now that I'm an adult...it's almost like I can only take so much of it before I pull a 'Susan Powder Stop the Insanity'. Sometimes in my life I've wished I was different when it came to that kind of stuff, but now - now that I find myself recently singled and just trying to trudge through my life for right now - I'm so thankful God made me like He did. Funny, isn't it? When we find ourselves in difficult situations and seasons in our lives - we catch a glimpse into why God made us how He did...and why all those things that set us apart from everyone around us seem to make just a little more sense. Thank God He saw fit to make me, me.


So, today is the mushiest, yuckiest day of the year...St. Valentine's Day. A day of love. bleckh. Actually - double bleckh.


But today, I'm reminded of something that I decided on January 31st of this year. Currently, I drive about 45 minutes one way to work. I spend a lot of time in my car every morning on back roads and highways that aren't travelled by many people...so I must have music to get me through this long drive. Most of the time, my radio is on our local affiliate of k-love...a christian music station. On a side note - if you don't believe that music can't change your mood - listen to nothing but christian music for a couple of weeks and tell me if you don't feel the presence of God in your life in a more tangible way. Anyway, the morning show issued a challenge with the new year - to pick a word that you want to strive for in 2011. It's something they've done a few years now, but this year - I guess I finally heard a 'word' from God...pun intended. It actually is a word that I feel like God has been throwing in my face for a few months now, already. It all came about during a particularly difficult time just after my divorce proceedings started and it became apparent that the divorce was really happening. Obviously, if you've read anything here, you know that this was an extremely difficult time for me. I struggle to articulate for those who weren't immediately part of the situation what an awful wreck I was. Thank God for Grace, is all I can say. Anyway, during a particularly bad day, a word came to me...Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. This simple verse has become my mantra in the last few months...so when the DJ's on klove started talking about this word for the year idea, the same word kept coming to the front - rejoice.


Now I know God must have a sense of humor. I thought about this word for most of the month of January...I could not believe that He would really give me a word like rejoice. Why, God? Seriously? Why would You think I could rejoice this year? I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to admit it. But, every time I asked God what my word should be - this one just kept coming back up. In emails from friends, in conversations - rejoice (or some derivative thereof) would keep popping up. In fact, the verse itself was actually in someone's email to me. I knew it was God - just making sure I got the point. So, I finally gave in. Of course I did...it's not like there was ever any question about that anyway...


Which brings me back to today. St. Valentine's Day. Every single, or recently singled, or separated, or divorced girl's nightmare come to life. I'd been in a funk all weekend. Baking didn't even help...so we know it was bad. I cried on my way to work this morning - not the blubbering, nasty cry that I did for so long...just a few silent tears that came up out of nowhere. It was the first time I've cried in a while. I really don't know why - maybe I was mourning something that was never actually mine. Maybe my feelings are still hurt. Maybe my heart hasn't healed all the way. Maybe it'll still be a while before it does. Or, maybe it's because I know in my heart that God has given me my "rejoicing orders" and it scares the crap outta me...because maybe, that means that He's healing me faster than I thought. Maybe that means that it's very nearly time for me to close a chapter of my life...and that means that another one is just about to begin.


And so, tonight I think it's only appropriate that I honor the only true love that I know. The Author of love - the Perfector of love. The One who loves me - even when everything I've done screams that He shouldn't. What an amazing thing that is...I am so undeserving. And yet, so thankful. So thankful that His perfect love never fails us. And so, I must believe that there are people out there who believe that their example is God's love. And it's my prayer that those who may not understand that beautiful love can find their answers...that they find their one true love. And know that He will never let them go.

So, I don't need red and pink cards. I don't need chocolates and candy. I don't need all the mushy love junk. Because no matter what is going on in my life, I've always got perfect love - every day of the year.

#5, or, this is what happens when you can't sleep.

Awake tonight. It’s been a strange couple of weeks. Well, couple of months actually…

There’s been a lot of happiness around me. People living their lives…moving forward…and I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern. My life has been temporarily on hold – but, my emotions…those are on a constant and never-ending roller coaster. One minute I’m thinking I’m ok and I can do this - I can make it and I’m stronger than ever – and the next I feel like a child who needs to be held and needs someone to console and reassure and calm my fears.  It’s utterly exhausting.

I really haven’t even felt like I could even fully articulate how I’m feeling. I’m sure people out there who have gone through divorces can sympathize with this. Maybe they can offer some kind of solace to me so I can know there is some light at the end of this tunnel. It’s terrifying at times…to think that I could be so fragile. I never really considered myself that way.  I grew up with some of the meanest boys around! I was playing football in the backyard while a lot of girls my age were playing with ‘barbies’ and ‘my little pony’ (and I can still throw one heck of a spiral, thank you very much). So this rough and tumble tomboy turned into a (eeeekk!!) girl…yikes. This kinda scares me, I must admit. It’s new ground for me – and I’m still (obviously) not accustomed to it yet. It’s funny because in the course of my life, I can only remember a few times when I felt several emotions at once – and it was usually at some traumatic time in my life. Otherwise, I can sum most of my experiences up into a few categories of emotions that I typically operated in only one at a time: happy, sad, angry, hurt and, “meh.” For the most part – I have always been a one emotion at a time kinda girl – and, honestly, I liked that about me. I hate girly drama, and I can’t stand all that typical girl histrionics mess. Of course, this being one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through – I suppose it should come as no surprise that I’ve run the gamut several times over in the last few months – and most of the time I’m carrying more than a couple of emotions at a time on a run.

I think I drew closer to God during this than I have in any other time of my life. But the thing about that is: it’s not a guarantee that we’re going to understand anything any better. It’s not a promise that things are going to be easier. Believe me, as much as I’d like for it to – it just doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. And one of the biggest things I’ve been burdened with during most of this has been forgiveness. I heard on the radio this morning a discussion about forgiveness…about how we interpret how God wants us to forgive…and why, and how we go about doing that. And someone pretty much summed it up for me: you are absolutely to forgive – but sometimes, it can’t be forgotten…and as humans, it’s nearly impossible for us to do that. There will always be scars – if you cut yourself and it heals, a scar sometimes remains. The scar itself doesn’t hurt, but the simple act of memory sometimes brings up the pain you felt. And that’s ok. We should remember those things. Sometimes it’s not healthy to let those people who hurt us back in our lives…and sometimes it is ok. Sometimes God works miracles around us while we’re not paying attention and something changes…and sometimes, God does actually know better than us. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees – and we don’t know that God is weeding our lives… “sifting” as our pastor taught about a year or so ago. I knew that sermon was somehow for me – I just never imagined it was in the way it was. But, I’m 28 years old – not 8. I am perfectly capable of forgiveness…and I think I’ve already made leaps and bounds towards it. I knew in my heart a long time ago that I had to so I started working on it then – I knew that I was not going to carry it around with me. Because that’s the thing about forgiveness – it doesn’t hurt the person you haven’t yet forgiven – it drags you down. I have resolved to not let that happen…I’ve dug my feet in and I’m standing firm on that one. But the scars – the scars will be there for a while. And when I look at my scars, I’ll remember how far I’ve come.

So here I am, being a girl and laughing and crying (sometimes within 37 seconds of each other). Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in my rear view mirror and wonder where the girl I used to know went…where that carefree, I don’t want your drama, I don’t need to be validated constantly, and I can throw a football better than some grown men kind of girl has gone. And sometimes, I can almost glimpse her – so I know she must still be in there somewhere.

And I’m hoping that she makes a full time return in 2011. I’m so excited for this new year. I’m excited for the “new old” me that’s on her way back. I know this year has to be better than last. And while I’ve done a lot of reflecting here lately with the closing of one year and the beginning of another – reflecting on my life and the last few years of it, I’m so ready to start looking forward. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for me, for my family and my friends.

So – it’s a little late, but Happy 2011 everybody! And thank you for your continued love and prayers…you’ll never know how much they are appreciated!!

# 4. or, why ask why?

I’ve found myself doing a lot of thinking in the last few weeks. Not really sure what brought it all on (actually, I’m certain it’s the fact that the holidays are speeding towards me like a freight train and like any well made old silent movie, I’m the damsel in distress who has been tied to the tracks by the bad guy in the black hat and handkerchief mask.)  I’ve found that the same question keeps coming up – Why? I feel like a toddler who’s learning the world…but there’s just been so much tragedy this year – both personally and in lives around mine. I just can’t help but ask…don’t we all in times of distress? It’s the first universal question in our minds. I’ve watched a family lose a young mother to a precious little girl, a daughter, a sister. I watched another family lose a brother, a son, a husband, a young dad to the cutest little boy I’ve seen in a long time. It’s always a “why” that seems to immediately form when we hear of such tragedy. And while we don’t have the answers now, God does. And as hard as it is to trust, there is a reason. I know the feeling – we lost my sister, Dina, in 1997. My parents have been in those shoes. My brother and sister and I felt the pain of these families.

I’ve suffered my fair share of loss in my lifetime. I’ve had my fair share of health scares in my family. But this year, when my marriage fell apart right in front of my eyes – that’s got to be the biggest crisis of my life so far. And the first question I asked God? Yep, “why?” Actually, it was muddled with anger, hurt, fear, regret, and combined with bouts of weeping, insomnia, and a general cloud of sadness and confusion around me. But the beautiful thing about that? God created all those emotions. He CREATED them – He is the author and the Ph.D. of emotions. Wow. Before God created it – none of it existed. So I think because of that, God understands when we hurt, when we cry out in confusion…He created the feeling and the emotion behind it…of course He does. It’s been very important to me to feel everything and acknowledge it during the course of the last few months. I briefly considered going to the doctor for a prescription for an antidepressant…something to numb the pain and clear my mind out a little, but ultimately – I knew I just couldn’t do it. I knew deep down that I didn’t want to go that route. I’m not advocating that this is the way it should be for everyone, but for me, it was the right choice. Doing this without any chemical aide has been a very eye-opening experience.

Which brings me back to my “why” questions and some candid conversations with friends, family and with God about all of this. I know that nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, takes God by surprise. That’s just incredible to me. I told my mom recently that I was having trouble wrapping my mind around grace…I don’t know why, but I suppose I thought that was something exclusive to me. Apparently not. I fail God on a daily basis. And **gasp** sometimes I fail God a bunch of times in one day…heck, in an hour. I fail at little things, and I screw up big stuff, too…I’m not picky. But – no matter what, grace is always there waiting on you. It’s like the oldest and best friend you could ever have. It picks you up, dusts you off, dries your tears, makes you laugh, takes your hand and leads you out of the pit you dug yourself into. And it does all of this without making you feel any worse…there’s no judgment with grace. It doesn’t tell you how many times you’ve called it out of bed at 3:30 in the morning to come help you. It doesn’t tell you what it would rather be doing than dragging your butt out of the muck, AGAIN. In fact, grace makes you feel like there’s nothing in the world more important than you, right now, right in this moment. It’s so beautiful. So real. And it just baffles me. I’m still struggling to understand it…to wrap my mind around such a thing. I thought I understood it years ago…we sing songs about it all the time. “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…” but I think (for me anyway) we just associate that with the defining moment of when a relationship with God begins. When He saved us from what we deserved…but the thought of continued grace – a never-ending supply of the one thing that we couldn’t put one foot in front of the other without - that's something we don't give enough consideration to until we're at a pivotal point in our lives and we're forced to take a closer look at it. It’s just so far beyond what I deserve…and the song is right - it’s so incredibly and wonderfully amazing.

We can all learn a lot from grace. We can learn to give it a little easier. We can learn to receive it humbly. We can learn to ask for it when we need it – from God, and from those around us who care about us the most. We can learn to thank God for it being so readily available to us.

So I’m at a decision point – I can suffer in my own self-inflicted depressing walk down memory lane. I can go back and question God again for the answers to WHY things happen…and when will they finally work out for the good and WHY haven’t things worked out better already. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if I know WHY. God does - and that's the 'saving grace' in all of my troubles and my trials. And that’s all I need to know.

#3. or, how I spent my thanksgiving vacation. or, words of wisdom from an 8 year old.

This was the first year I’ve spent Thanksgiving anywhere but my momma’s kitchen. Well, either there or in front of the TV catching the scores of football games in between naps…and hanging out with my cousins and extended family in the evening. Part of me was sad when I realized Tuesday before Thanksgiving that I would miss all that this year…but, then I snapped back to reality. Because this year, I spent my Thanksgiving break in Virginia – hanging out with my brother, sister-in-law, nieces, and one of my “Byerley” cousins from Texas.

I had such a fantastic time, I must say. It was definitely a much needed escape from reality, and I am so thankful that I was able to go…even though they did put me to work cooking Thanksgiving dinner! Why they trusted me to do that is still beyond me…but why I trusted Richie and Christopher with sharp knives in my presence still eludes me – so I guess we’re even. Clearly, I was so sleepy I didn’t even realize what was going on.

I also learned why God didn’t see fit to give me two brothers instead of one. I have bruises on me that I can not explain. I think it’s evident that they were beating up on me even while I slept (what little bit of sleep I managed to get). My long weekend was filled with cooking, talking, shopping (at 3:30 Friday morning for the next big coveted toy this year),



And this was the line to get into the NEX at 3:25 a.m. Friday morning.

playing games, laughing, watching movies, touring U.S. Naval Ships,



The USS Iwo Jima (among others)

and having the sweetest conversations with my 8 year old niece.

Let me just say first that I can not imagine loving my own children more than I love my nieces and nephew. Of course, all the moms out there will tell me that it’s different, and I’m sure you’re right. But for me, right now, I just can’t. I remember when we found out Peyton was on his way…I was so excited. So excited to be an Aunt for the first time. And Peyton, well, Peyton has proved to be the best nephew ever. He makes me laugh, and cry sometimes, and he’s serious, and goofy, and perfect in every way. He had my heart from the word go…and I think he knew it. He had a rocky start when he got here, but he is growing up to be one heck of a guy. I can not wait to see what’s in store for his life. God is going to use him in a mighty way, I’m sure of it. And then, just when we thought that we were NEVER going to see another baby again – Lindsey and Richie found out Avery was on her way. Can we say excited?! Oh yeah, I was ecstatic. And then, just after that news broke, Kelly and Ronnie find out they are having another one – and here comes Madelyn. Those little girls…they are really something – just 2 months apart...it’s like having twins in the family. They are prissy and sassy and pinked out…and I love them more than words could ever express.  

And then there’s the most recent addition to the Byerley family: Finley. Wow. Just when I thought that my heart was about to overflow, along comes Fin. She scrunches her little nose up when she laughs and smiles - and once again, I’m a goner. I think I’ve officially had ‘sucker’ stamped on my forehead all over again. But it's ok. Really, it is. I wouldn't have it any other way.



Avery called me into her to show me this: "I heart Aunt Ashley"
Yep, i teared up a little.
And then I got my camera out to snap a quick pic.



There’s nothing in this world like being an Aunt, and I love every single minute of it. I’d go without anything for those kids. I love each of them so much that sometimes it baffles me. That’s what love and family is all about though, right? Love. Wait, scratch that - unconditional love. The kind that says: “Yeah, I know sometimes you do stuff you shouldn’t, even when you know better. But, no matter what you do wrong or right, I’ll never love you any different. No more, no less. I just promise to love you, always.”

  






Anyway, back to my story…as 8 year olds tend to be, Avery is inquisitive. And so, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise when she point blank asked me Thanksgiving night about my divorce. For someone who talks a lot…ok, a whole lot, I found myself stumbling over words. I couldn’t form a coherent sentence to save my life. So, I pushed it under the rug and told her that I’d feel better if we talked about it with her mom and dad. She protested for a bit, but agreed to wait. Whew. Crisis avoided. We shopped the next day (my shopping with Lindsey started at 2:30 a.m.), hung out around the house…toured an active Navy ship and played around on the base on Saturday. And as promised, I took Avery to see Megamind Saturday night. Seeing as how we were so busy, Avery forgot about that important conversation we were supposed to have…for a little while. Saturday night, we decided to go see a late movie, and just about the time we shut the truck doors to head to the movie theater, she asked me again. “Aunt Ashley?” “Yes baby?,” I said. I knew what was coming. “What happened with you and Eric?” This is about the time I got the sinking feeling that I couldn’t avoid it any more. I was going to have to talk to her about it. I was going to have to help her understand this. “Well, Avery,” I began, “we…are not going to be married anymore. I didn’t want it to be this way, but sometimes, some things just don’t work out like we want them to.” “So you guys are getting a divorce, then?” “Yes, baby. We are getting a divorce.” Avery stared off out her window for a little while as we drove on…she was lost in her own thoughts. We both were, I suppose. Then, out of nowhere, “Aunt Ashley?” “Yes, Avery?” “Aunt Ashley, I think the next guy that you love is really going to love you. He’s going to treat you like you should be treated. He’s going to be the greatest guy ever. I just know it.” And this – this is where I almost had to pull the truck over. I was overwhelmed with tears and emotions. Her little hand found its way to mine, and she squeezed it and smiled at me. And there, in that sweet little face, I saw my life in a new way, once again. Through the eyes of a little girl. No wonder Jesus said that we should have faith like a child. I learned so much from that conversation. And I’m convinced that I’ll never forget that lesson.

#2 – or, Revolutions and other birthday parties

So, last week I turned 28. I really didn’t want a birthday this year. I just wanted it to be another day and not have to think about it. Considering all that has happened in the last year of my life, I think that’s understandable. But, as my life goes – I didn’t get my wish for a non-existent birthday. It was, however, much more low key than years past. And during dinner with my family, I had a revelation – it was the perfect birthday.

I was surrounded by my friends the weekend before – those who had supported me, laughed and cried with me, encouraged me…they were all right there again. Just as they always had been. Just as they always will be. Laughing, talking and making plans for how we are going to really celebrate this year. We have a lot to be happy about, and this year, we’re going to start acting like it…more to come on that later.

And then, for my actual birthday – a quiet dinner with my incredible family. It was perfect. Complete with cake and ice cream! How could it not be fantastic when there’s a chocolate cake and neopolitan ice cream involved? Because as we all know, neopolitan is the choice for those of us who are, shall we say, decisionally challenged. Strawberry, Chocolate, Vanilla? Who has time to mull over these choices to make the right one, just have a little of each!

But during this year’s birthday festivities, I was struck with one big, sobering thought…Regardless of my circumstances, I am fine. Wow, really? Are you sure? And why am I arguing with myself at my birthday dinner? But, a still, small voice reassured me. Birthdays & divorces (two things that should never ever happen at the same time, by the way) – I’m fine. And I’ll be fine. I’m better than fine, actually. So right there, at my birthday dinner, I experienced my own little revolution. Turned the page, so to speak, in my thought patterns, in how I look at my life, how I deal with my circumstances. I’m gonna be fine. And over the weekend, one of my dearest friends, Kady, confirmed that for me. In the middle of conversations between Kricket and Hayley and some other folks around us, Kady told me that “old Ashley” was back. Thanks, Kady! And, I have to say – I’m glad to be back!

#1 - or, WHAT am i doing here?

I have this best friend, we've been friends for more than 20 years. I sometimes seriously believe she is my soul mate - not in the hokey hollywood love story sense, but in the chosen family sense - when we met at the age of 6 or so, we were instantly friends - and I think we knew then, even at such a young age, that we would be life-long friends...regardless of whether that notion is true or not, I do know that God saw fit to put us in each other's lives for a very specific reason. And through every season of life that I've been through so far, Kricket has been there - playing in the woods and getting lost for hours as kids, boyfriends, breakups, marriages, divorces, deaths, births, sicknesses in our families - everything. If you don't have a friend like that in your life, let me highly recommend it to you right now. Anyway, she's sort of the reason that I even had the idea to start this adventure in blogging...she has told me time and time again about how journaling and writing out her feelings helped her through some difficult times in her life. I love to write, but hate hand cramps - and it seems I always end up with one before I've really gotten into the weeds of anything I write - so here I am - ultimately risking carpal tunnel to have somewhere to vent. But, I digress...

In the last year, Kricket said something to me - on more than one occasion, I might add - that has really stuck with me. I can't remember the circumstances, but she honest to God told me: "You tend to shoot straight from the hip. I know when I ask you something, or ask you for your opinion, I know I'm going to get the truth from you. And I really like that and respect that about you." I was incredibly honored, and humbled at the same time. I've always tried to tell people the truth - sometimes it's easy, sometimes not. Sometimes I'd really rather lie than say something true in a particular situation, but - I truly strive to be honest. I guess it's just part of the golden rule with me - I don't like to feel like I'm being lied to - and so I try my hardest not to lie to others. But shortly after that, Kricket told me one day that I had - and I quote: "A Tic-Tac Heart." Seriously? What does that even mean?, I asked. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. "It means you know, you have a heart - it's just a small one. Like the size of a tic tac." Hmm. Not the most encouraging words ever. I'd like to think that she has this little opinion because I am honest and say what I think and how I feel and sometimes that comes off in a way that can seem a little heartless. But, to me, because I care so much about people, and especially those that are the closest to me, that's why I choose to be so honest with them. That's why. Right? Anyone??

 

So here I am, posting my first blog entry on what hopefully will be a little bit of a healing experience, and an opportunity to set the record straight on who I am, and how I operate. I probably won't always be witty, I won't always have something profound to say, I won't always be nice, I won't always have good days, and sometimes I'll probably use this platform to vent about something that I'm not happy about. But, I do promise that I'll always live up to what my best friend says about me - I will always be honest, I'll shoot from the hip, and if there's any questions left at the end, I'll always

be open to answering them.

And so, thanks for wanting to be a part of this with me. I hope that through this, I can learn something from everyone I cross paths with - in the blogging world, and in life. And to my best friend, Kricket: Thank You...for your unwavering support, your guidance, your laughs, your tears, and most of all - your friendship. It hasn't always been easy, and I'm sure our lives will be full of eggs always, but I simply can't imagine going through it all without you. So, thank you. And I'm looking forward to lots more memories to be made.