Wow, it's been a while since I've had anything to say. Well, that's not entirely true...it seems that I always have something to say. I suppose lately, my problem is that I haven't been too great at listening. I only write when I feel like I have something that I want to say, and that usually comes once I feel like I'm understanding the current lesson before me. I guess this one is just taking a bit longer...but, I wanted to share some of the things I'm currently considering.
I've had lots of people tell me that they look forward to reading this blog and I can't even begin to express how happy and grateful that makes me...I thought when I began this process that most everyone I know might think I was more than a little crazy. But, I've found that this is really more of therapy for me. An outlet to journal, if you will, the things that I feel like I'm learning as I'm going through a divorce - and ultimately (and maybe even more importantly), as I'm going through life. But, if this little blog brings some comfort to someone going through trials in their life, to God be the glory for that...because it's all Him, and none of me.
Now, on to the real story of my life lately...
All my life I've been clumsy. Really clumsy. My parents probably should have taken out stock in Band-Aid, Neosporin, and Ace Bandages when I came along. Seriously. For the majority of my childhood, my legs and arms were constantly covered in bruises, cuts, and scrapes (thanks, Richie). I can not remember a time when I didn't have a single band-aid or bruise somewhere. Admittedly, the fact that I look like Snow White probably doesn't help. Because of my ability to find a way to hurt myself daily, my mom called me "Grace" for the better part of most of my childhood. It was a term of endearment...I think. And, I think for a little while there, I probably answered more to 'Grace' than Ashley. I thought I was over that phase of my life...until I totally busted it a couple of weeks ago. And, I think more than a bruised and swollen ankle, it was a reminder of my 'Grace'ful days.
For someone who has plenty of faults, though - Grace is something that I still don't think I've mastered. I'm still not certain that anyone ever masters the art, but I'd like to think that I could keep striving for that for the rest of my life. In my quest to further understand grace, I picked up a book the other day - The Grace Awakening. I've learned a lot in my life about acceptance, love, and grace...but I have always felt like I was still missing the mark in a lot of ways.
I think I expect grace because I have a God who gives it. But sometimes, I find it difficult to show grace...and every time I feel like I'm losing this battle, it stings a little. "Grace Killers" - that's what the book calls people who act like me sometimes. Well, that was enough to grab my attention...and it provoked my heart to consider the grace (or lack thereof) that I show others. And in the process, I considered the effects of my actions...and I found something very interesting. My inability to show grace - or to pick and choose the things and people and situations to which I show grace - was hurting me a great deal. And to take it a step further, these kinds of actions weren't speaking very highly of me. Why do the choices some people make in their lives bother me so badly? And, why do I let things get to me like I do? The answer: because I don't show blind grace. I'm learning that it doesn't matter - Christ showed grace to everyone, all the time...and therefore, I should as well. What would happen if I was the only person in creation who God decided shouldn't receive grace for one particular action or another. It scares me to think of being "the lesson" - but, this is something I find myself doing all too often.
And, as it often does, one thought leads to another, and I've also considered whether I have some kind of superiority complex. I began asking myself if I really judge myself at my best, and others at their worst? The answer: an overwhelming yes. But why? Call it my selfish, fleshly nature...I'm not really sure at this point - but I am looking for the answer on that one.
I think this lesson isn't over - but I think what I've gotten out of it so far is: it really doesn't matter what I think about things - it matters what God thinks. And, if God gives grace so freely - I should, as well. I'm certain that if God let things bother him, like I let bother me - we'd all be living in a very different world. I've had my eyes opened up on this lately, and the things that I'm learning about myself are things that make me feel a little ill. I've made some huge mistakes in my life - I've taken the reins and acted as if I could chart my own course, call my own plays, and decide who deserved what from me. I've been trying to apologize for that lately...trying to right some wrongs. Those are hard words to say no matter how much (or how little) time has passed. But, God's timing is always perfect - and when He leads you to say the things that you should say - His voice comes through...and His word never returns void. So, I'm trusting that He is working through me and working on me (even still) on this.
Which brings me back to my childhood - and reminds me of that song we sang when we were little: "...He's still workin' on me, to make me what I ought to be..." Thank goodness for we have someone who is always on our side, always willing to teach us how to do life...someone who is always still workin' on us.
