I hate the mushy love stuff. Can't stand all that ooey-gooey, drippy sweet stuff. I think for most people who read what I write - they're shocked that I'm actually a girl. I just never really got into that stuff, and so now that I'm an adult...it's almost like I can only take so much of it before I pull a 'Susan Powder Stop the Insanity'. Sometimes in my life I've wished I was different when it came to that kind of stuff, but now - now that I find myself recently singled and just trying to trudge through my life for right now - I'm so thankful God made me like He did. Funny, isn't it? When we find ourselves in difficult situations and seasons in our lives - we catch a glimpse into why God made us how He did...and why all those things that set us apart from everyone around us seem to make just a little more sense. Thank God He saw fit to make me, me.
So, today is the mushiest, yuckiest day of the year...St. Valentine's Day. A day of love. bleckh. Actually - double bleckh.
But today, I'm reminded of something that I decided on January 31st of this year. Currently, I drive about 45 minutes one way to work. I spend a lot of time in my car every morning on back roads and highways that aren't travelled by many people...so I must have music to get me through this long drive. Most of the time, my radio is on our local affiliate of k-love...a christian music station. On a side note - if you don't believe that music can't change your mood - listen to nothing but christian music for a couple of weeks and tell me if you don't feel the presence of God in your life in a more tangible way. Anyway, the morning show issued a challenge with the new year - to pick a word that you want to strive for in 2011. It's something they've done a few years now, but this year - I guess I finally heard a 'word' from God...pun intended. It actually is a word that I feel like God has been throwing in my face for a few months now, already. It all came about during a particularly difficult time just after my divorce proceedings started and it became apparent that the divorce was really happening. Obviously, if you've read anything here, you know that this was an extremely difficult time for me. I struggle to articulate for those who weren't immediately part of the situation what an awful wreck I was. Thank God for Grace, is all I can say. Anyway, during a particularly bad day, a word came to me...Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. This simple verse has become my mantra in the last few months...so when the DJ's on klove started talking about this word for the year idea, the same word kept coming to the front - rejoice.
Now I know God must have a sense of humor. I thought about this word for most of the month of January...I could not believe that He would really give me a word like rejoice. Why, God? Seriously? Why would You think I could rejoice this year? I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to admit it. But, every time I asked God what my word should be - this one just kept coming back up. In emails from friends, in conversations - rejoice (or some derivative thereof) would keep popping up. In fact, the verse itself was actually in someone's email to me. I knew it was God - just making sure I got the point. So, I finally gave in. Of course I did...it's not like there was ever any question about that anyway...
Which brings me back to today. St. Valentine's Day. Every single, or recently singled, or separated, or divorced girl's nightmare come to life. I'd been in a funk all weekend. Baking didn't even help...so we know it was bad. I cried on my way to work this morning - not the blubbering, nasty cry that I did for so long...just a few silent tears that came up out of nowhere. It was the first time I've cried in a while. I really don't know why - maybe I was mourning something that was never actually mine. Maybe my feelings are still hurt. Maybe my heart hasn't healed all the way. Maybe it'll still be a while before it does. Or, maybe it's because I know in my heart that God has given me my "rejoicing orders" and it scares the crap outta me...because maybe, that means that He's healing me faster than I thought. Maybe that means that it's very nearly time for me to close a chapter of my life...and that means that another one is just about to begin.
And so, tonight I think it's only appropriate that I honor the only true love that I know. The Author of love - the Perfector of love. The One who loves me - even when everything I've done screams that He shouldn't. What an amazing thing that is...I am so undeserving. And yet, so thankful. So thankful that His perfect love never fails us. And so, I must believe that there are people out there who believe that their example is God's love. And it's my prayer that those who may not understand that beautiful love can find their answers...that they find their one true love. And know that He will never let them go.
So, I don't need red and pink cards. I don't need chocolates and candy. I don't need all the mushy love junk. Because no matter what is going on in my life, I've always got perfect love - every day of the year.
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