#5, or, this is what happens when you can't sleep.

Awake tonight. It’s been a strange couple of weeks. Well, couple of months actually…

There’s been a lot of happiness around me. People living their lives…moving forward…and I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern. My life has been temporarily on hold – but, my emotions…those are on a constant and never-ending roller coaster. One minute I’m thinking I’m ok and I can do this - I can make it and I’m stronger than ever – and the next I feel like a child who needs to be held and needs someone to console and reassure and calm my fears.  It’s utterly exhausting.

I really haven’t even felt like I could even fully articulate how I’m feeling. I’m sure people out there who have gone through divorces can sympathize with this. Maybe they can offer some kind of solace to me so I can know there is some light at the end of this tunnel. It’s terrifying at times…to think that I could be so fragile. I never really considered myself that way.  I grew up with some of the meanest boys around! I was playing football in the backyard while a lot of girls my age were playing with ‘barbies’ and ‘my little pony’ (and I can still throw one heck of a spiral, thank you very much). So this rough and tumble tomboy turned into a (eeeekk!!) girl…yikes. This kinda scares me, I must admit. It’s new ground for me – and I’m still (obviously) not accustomed to it yet. It’s funny because in the course of my life, I can only remember a few times when I felt several emotions at once – and it was usually at some traumatic time in my life. Otherwise, I can sum most of my experiences up into a few categories of emotions that I typically operated in only one at a time: happy, sad, angry, hurt and, “meh.” For the most part – I have always been a one emotion at a time kinda girl – and, honestly, I liked that about me. I hate girly drama, and I can’t stand all that typical girl histrionics mess. Of course, this being one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through – I suppose it should come as no surprise that I’ve run the gamut several times over in the last few months – and most of the time I’m carrying more than a couple of emotions at a time on a run.

I think I drew closer to God during this than I have in any other time of my life. But the thing about that is: it’s not a guarantee that we’re going to understand anything any better. It’s not a promise that things are going to be easier. Believe me, as much as I’d like for it to – it just doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. And one of the biggest things I’ve been burdened with during most of this has been forgiveness. I heard on the radio this morning a discussion about forgiveness…about how we interpret how God wants us to forgive…and why, and how we go about doing that. And someone pretty much summed it up for me: you are absolutely to forgive – but sometimes, it can’t be forgotten…and as humans, it’s nearly impossible for us to do that. There will always be scars – if you cut yourself and it heals, a scar sometimes remains. The scar itself doesn’t hurt, but the simple act of memory sometimes brings up the pain you felt. And that’s ok. We should remember those things. Sometimes it’s not healthy to let those people who hurt us back in our lives…and sometimes it is ok. Sometimes God works miracles around us while we’re not paying attention and something changes…and sometimes, God does actually know better than us. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees – and we don’t know that God is weeding our lives… “sifting” as our pastor taught about a year or so ago. I knew that sermon was somehow for me – I just never imagined it was in the way it was. But, I’m 28 years old – not 8. I am perfectly capable of forgiveness…and I think I’ve already made leaps and bounds towards it. I knew in my heart a long time ago that I had to so I started working on it then – I knew that I was not going to carry it around with me. Because that’s the thing about forgiveness – it doesn’t hurt the person you haven’t yet forgiven – it drags you down. I have resolved to not let that happen…I’ve dug my feet in and I’m standing firm on that one. But the scars – the scars will be there for a while. And when I look at my scars, I’ll remember how far I’ve come.

So here I am, being a girl and laughing and crying (sometimes within 37 seconds of each other). Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in my rear view mirror and wonder where the girl I used to know went…where that carefree, I don’t want your drama, I don’t need to be validated constantly, and I can throw a football better than some grown men kind of girl has gone. And sometimes, I can almost glimpse her – so I know she must still be in there somewhere.

And I’m hoping that she makes a full time return in 2011. I’m so excited for this new year. I’m excited for the “new old” me that’s on her way back. I know this year has to be better than last. And while I’ve done a lot of reflecting here lately with the closing of one year and the beginning of another – reflecting on my life and the last few years of it, I’m so ready to start looking forward. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for me, for my family and my friends.

So – it’s a little late, but Happy 2011 everybody! And thank you for your continued love and prayers…you’ll never know how much they are appreciated!!