#9 - or, tiramisu and other two edged swords.

I recently read a book that quoted Mark Twain: "I can live for two months on a good compliment."  ...Which is funny, because I've been thinking a lot about the power of our words lately. 

I guess you could say it all started a couple of months ago at a supper club dinner with some pretty incredible women I know. For those of you who know me well, you know my passion is cooking. Any kind of cooking…I'm there...it's a stress reliever for me. Gardening...not so much. (ask the flowers I put out every spring that are dead within a month). But cooking........ahhh...........cooking. There's something about being in a kitchen – hands in dough, or cake, or covered in food coloring – that's the stuff that really calms me down and gives me time to sort out life's little dilemmas.

Anyway, this particular cooking club host chose an Italian theme. I racked my brain about what to make...and finally decided on a tiramisu. Now, I'm infamous for deciding and attempting to cook something "because I saw a recipe for it online" - which, coincidentally, sounds a lot like my shopping theory: "I bought this outfit because I saw these fantastic shoes I just had to have." So, after searching and searching and calling around everywhere in the S-BC looking for ladyfingers, Eric finally brought some home to me (for those who are interested: World Market). So here I was in my kitchen at midnight the night before Supper Club, making this tiramisu I've never even attempted – praying I wouldn't have to fake an illness to get out of going if it didn't turn out ok. But, thank goodness, it did...and I received some very high compliments on it, to boot. (recipe below)  Not a bad day in my book...

But it's what was said by some pretty smart women that night that really sparked these thoughts I've had for awhile now...I forget the context, I forget what was even being said – but one woman very wisely said: "...the getting married part, that's the easiest part...the two becoming one - that's the difficult part..." And it really made me stop and think about planning my own wedding. I was so wrapped up in details. I was so stressed out and I made it such a big deal. I was so worried about the candles matching the tablecloths, matching the flowers, matching the color of the guy's ties...ugh! It gives me a headache just thinking about it. But the important stuff – that’s the stuff that happens after you're home from the honeymoon, when real life hits. Jobs, bills, friends, family, sickness, health, loving, honoring, cherishing (sound familiar?) – that's the difficult stuff – but, I think that’s the ‘stuff’ that makes you as a couple learn to operate as one. And, after all that I've been through, I'm convinced (now more than ever) that those words in our vows were chosen very specifically.

How often do we take those words to heart to help us through the everyday stuff? Paul got it right in 1 Corinthians 13:13 - "and now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." But, how often do we get it right? How often do we choose our words carefully – do we plant our feet in the dirt and mud of life and speak love? It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately…

Maybe it’s been dominating my thoughts lately because our biggest problem the first ten months we were married? Very simply: words. We didn't realize the power of our words. We didn't realize the power our words held over us long after they were spoken. If we knew then what we know now...things might have been very different. But, things would not be the way they are today - and so I am thankful, because we learned a very valuable lesson. And I think we’d still be walking around oblivious to the power simple little things (like words) can have in a life. Thank God for lessons and for disciplining us.

These days, we choose our words very differently. If we disagree, we do so with love. If we agree, we do so with love. We speak love to each other. We lift each other up. We talk. But, we listen more than we talk – and that has made all the difference. You know that old saying: “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason” …yeah.

I'll admit…it's quite easy to fall into a rut and 'forget' how to treat people...to not have time to live by the golden rule. But life is so much better when you do.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

Tiramisu (Ashley's way)

Ingredients:

6 egg yolks

1 1/4 cups white sugar

1 1/2 cups mascarpone cheese

1 pint heavy whipping cream

2 (12 ounce) pkg ladyfingers

4 cups strong coffee or espresso, cooled

1/4 cup, or less coffee flavor liqueur (optional)

1 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder, for dusting

1 ounce square semisweet chocolate, for curls

Directions:

1.

Combine egg yolks and sugar in the top of a double boiler, over boiling water. Reduce heat to low and cook for about 10 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and whip yolks until thick and lemon colored. (we'll just say that these were "holy" yolks by the time I got finished whipping them. just a heads up.)

2.

Add mascarpone to whipped yolks. Beat until combined. In a separate bowl, whip cream to stiff peaks. (I put a little sugar in my whipped cream - more out of habit than anything). Gently fold into yolk mixture and set aside.

3.

Dip ladyfingers in cooled coffee for 5 seconds (letting them stay any longer will result in soaking up too much and becoming soggy) and line the bottom of dish. If using a spring form pan, be sure to line sides as well. Spoon half the cream over the soaked ladyfingers. Repeat ladyfingers and cream.

Refrigerate several hours or overnight.

Garnish with cocoa and chocolate curls.



I assembled my Tiramisu in a pretty crystal dish (just because I love serving in it)...but feel free to stand the ladyfingers around a springform pan and then layer it up like a more traditional presentation.



#8, or - ok, so now things are finally starting to make sense.

A few months back, I wrote about a one-word challenge that K-LOVE encourages at the end of every year. Basically, you pray about it, and wait for the Lord to tell you what word you should strive for that year. After listening to the stories of folks and their 'one word' experiences - this year, I bit. I prayed and prayed, and the word I got: rejoice. You might remember (and if you don't, go back a few posts - you'll find it), that I was a little bit confused by this word (and truth be told, I was a bit mad because I felt like it was a little bit cruel considering the circumstances of my life). At the time, I truly felt like my whole life was crashing down around me. My marriage had fallen apart, we had been separated for something like four months at that time, and we were well on our way to a divorce. I was a little (ok, a lot) mad that this was the word that kept popping up. But, I finally settled in on it, and just said "ok, God. If rejoice is what you're insisting on telling me, then I guess You'll fill me in on the details at some point." So, I went with it. And what a difference half a year has made.

I'm happy to say that Eric and I somehow found our way back to each other...people have asked us what changed - the only answer we can come up with: we don't know. Perhaps the only explanation is 'divine intervention'. We were just as shocked as our families and friends when it all happened. But, we both knew that it was all God, and none of us. We found ourselves a christian counselor and we have been to a few sessions and we absolutely love her. And we're absolutely amazed at the changes that God was making in and around us during our nearly ten month separation. If you think it's impossible to learn some heavy life lessons in a little less than seven or eight months (because I'd rather we didn't count the couple of months that I sulked, stayed in bed, and generally loathed the idea of being around anyone), well, then welcome to my world. I think I grew up more in ten months than I did in ten years. I've learned a lot, some of it I've shared here, some of it I've shared with close friends and family, and some of it - well, some of it will stay right where it belongs - between me, Eric and God.

And, while I'll still use my blog to talk about fun things going on in my life, or sad things, and events around me, or things that I feel like I'm learning from God and He gives me words to share - I'd really like to start using it as somewhere to talk about one of my other passions, as well - food. My initial intent all along was to have somewhere that I could share recipes with friends, and post pics of cakes I've worked on. And so, with that in mind, I hope that you'll all continue to grow with me...and I hope that you'll feel free to keep me in mind when you start a new recipe - because I'd love to be able to share it for you! (including your pictures!)

I can't wait to see what God will reveal to me next...and then to be able to share it with y'all! Thank you so much for your continued love and prayers - you'll never know what they have meant to me...to Eric...and to our marriage.

And so, in closing - I'd just like to remind y'all that you never know what God is up to...and just when you think that nothing makes sense in your life - hold on. Wait for Him to reveal it to you in His time. Wait for Him, don't try to fix it yourself. Listen to Him. Let Him guide you through it. He is the author of perfection. He understands your pain. And He will see you through it - in some form or fashion, He will. And He will work all things together for His glory. And through that, you will be blessed...and, you'll find your reason to rejoice!

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Romans 12:12

#7 - or, wait a second...my mom calls me grace.

Wow, it's been a while since I've had anything to say. Well, that's not entirely true...it seems that I always have something to say. I suppose lately, my problem is that I haven't been too great at listening. I only write when I feel like I have something that I want to say, and that usually comes once I feel like I'm understanding the current lesson before me. I guess this one is just taking a bit longer...but, I wanted to share some of the things I'm currently considering.

I've had lots of people tell me that they look forward to reading this blog and I can't even begin to express how happy and grateful that makes me...I thought when I began this process that most everyone I know might think I was more than a little crazy. But, I've found that this is really more of therapy for me. An outlet to journal, if you will, the things that I feel like I'm learning as I'm going through a divorce - and ultimately (and maybe even more importantly), as I'm going through life. But, if this little blog brings some comfort to someone going through trials in their life, to God be the glory for that...because it's all Him, and none of me.

Now, on to the real story of my life lately...

All my life I've been clumsy. Really clumsy. My parents probably should have taken out stock in Band-Aid, Neosporin, and Ace Bandages when I came along. Seriously. For the majority of my childhood, my legs and arms were constantly covered in bruises, cuts, and scrapes (thanks, Richie). I can not remember a time when I didn't have a single band-aid or bruise somewhere. Admittedly, the fact that I look like Snow White probably doesn't help. Because of my ability to find a way to hurt myself daily, my mom called me "Grace" for the better part of most of my childhood. It was a term of endearment...I think. And, I think for a little while there, I probably answered more to 'Grace' than Ashley. I thought I was over that phase of my life...until I totally busted it a couple of weeks ago. And, I think more than a bruised and swollen ankle, it was a reminder of my 'Grace'ful days.

For someone who has plenty of faults, though - Grace is something that I still don't think I've mastered. I'm still not certain that anyone ever masters the art, but I'd like to think that I could keep striving for that for the rest of my life. In my quest to further understand grace, I picked up a book the other day - The Grace Awakening. I've learned a lot in my life about acceptance, love, and grace...but I have always felt like I was still missing the mark in a lot of ways.

I think I expect grace because I have a God who gives it. But sometimes, I find it difficult to show grace...and every time I feel like I'm losing this battle, it stings a little. "Grace Killers" - that's what the book calls people who act like me sometimes. Well, that was enough to grab my attention...and it provoked my heart to consider the grace (or lack thereof) that I show others. And in the process, I considered the effects of my actions...and I found something very interesting. My inability to show grace - or to pick and choose the things and people and situations to which I show grace - was hurting me a great deal. And to take it a step further, these kinds of actions weren't speaking very highly of me. Why do the choices some people make in their lives bother me so badly? And, why do I let things get to me like I do? The answer: because I don't show blind grace. I'm learning that it doesn't matter - Christ showed grace to everyone, all the time...and therefore, I should as well. What would happen if I was the only person in creation who God decided shouldn't receive grace for one particular action or another. It scares me to think of being "the lesson" - but, this is something I find myself doing all too often.

And, as it often does, one thought leads to another, and I've also considered whether I have some kind of superiority complex. I began asking myself if I really judge myself at my best, and others at their worst? The answer: an overwhelming yes. But why? Call it my selfish, fleshly nature...I'm not really sure at this point - but I am looking for the answer on that one.

I think this lesson isn't over - but I think what I've gotten out of it so far is: it really doesn't matter what I think about things - it matters what God thinks. And, if God gives grace so freely - I should, as well. I'm certain that if God let things bother him, like I let bother me - we'd all be living in a very different world. I've had my eyes opened up on this lately, and the things that I'm learning about myself are things that make me feel a little ill. I've made some huge mistakes in my life - I've taken the reins and acted as if I could chart my own course, call my own plays, and decide who deserved what from me. I've been trying to apologize for that lately...trying to right some wrongs. Those are hard words to say no matter how much (or how little) time has passed. But, God's timing is always perfect - and when He leads you to say the things that you should say - His voice comes through...and His word never returns void. So, I'm trusting that He is working through me and working on me (even still) on this.

Which brings me back to my childhood - and reminds me of that song we sang when we were little: "...He's still workin' on me, to make me what I ought to be..." Thank goodness for we have someone who is always on our side, always willing to teach us how to do life...someone who is always still workin' on us.

#6 - or, how do i rejoice when i really want to cry? or, thoughts of a recently single girl on the mushiest day of the year.

I hate the mushy love stuff. Can't stand all that ooey-gooey, drippy sweet stuff. I think for most people who read what I write - they're shocked that I'm actually a girl. I just never really got into that stuff, and so now that I'm an adult...it's almost like I can only take so much of it before I pull a 'Susan Powder Stop the Insanity'. Sometimes in my life I've wished I was different when it came to that kind of stuff, but now - now that I find myself recently singled and just trying to trudge through my life for right now - I'm so thankful God made me like He did. Funny, isn't it? When we find ourselves in difficult situations and seasons in our lives - we catch a glimpse into why God made us how He did...and why all those things that set us apart from everyone around us seem to make just a little more sense. Thank God He saw fit to make me, me.


So, today is the mushiest, yuckiest day of the year...St. Valentine's Day. A day of love. bleckh. Actually - double bleckh.


But today, I'm reminded of something that I decided on January 31st of this year. Currently, I drive about 45 minutes one way to work. I spend a lot of time in my car every morning on back roads and highways that aren't travelled by many people...so I must have music to get me through this long drive. Most of the time, my radio is on our local affiliate of k-love...a christian music station. On a side note - if you don't believe that music can't change your mood - listen to nothing but christian music for a couple of weeks and tell me if you don't feel the presence of God in your life in a more tangible way. Anyway, the morning show issued a challenge with the new year - to pick a word that you want to strive for in 2011. It's something they've done a few years now, but this year - I guess I finally heard a 'word' from God...pun intended. It actually is a word that I feel like God has been throwing in my face for a few months now, already. It all came about during a particularly difficult time just after my divorce proceedings started and it became apparent that the divorce was really happening. Obviously, if you've read anything here, you know that this was an extremely difficult time for me. I struggle to articulate for those who weren't immediately part of the situation what an awful wreck I was. Thank God for Grace, is all I can say. Anyway, during a particularly bad day, a word came to me...Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. This simple verse has become my mantra in the last few months...so when the DJ's on klove started talking about this word for the year idea, the same word kept coming to the front - rejoice.


Now I know God must have a sense of humor. I thought about this word for most of the month of January...I could not believe that He would really give me a word like rejoice. Why, God? Seriously? Why would You think I could rejoice this year? I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to admit it. But, every time I asked God what my word should be - this one just kept coming back up. In emails from friends, in conversations - rejoice (or some derivative thereof) would keep popping up. In fact, the verse itself was actually in someone's email to me. I knew it was God - just making sure I got the point. So, I finally gave in. Of course I did...it's not like there was ever any question about that anyway...


Which brings me back to today. St. Valentine's Day. Every single, or recently singled, or separated, or divorced girl's nightmare come to life. I'd been in a funk all weekend. Baking didn't even help...so we know it was bad. I cried on my way to work this morning - not the blubbering, nasty cry that I did for so long...just a few silent tears that came up out of nowhere. It was the first time I've cried in a while. I really don't know why - maybe I was mourning something that was never actually mine. Maybe my feelings are still hurt. Maybe my heart hasn't healed all the way. Maybe it'll still be a while before it does. Or, maybe it's because I know in my heart that God has given me my "rejoicing orders" and it scares the crap outta me...because maybe, that means that He's healing me faster than I thought. Maybe that means that it's very nearly time for me to close a chapter of my life...and that means that another one is just about to begin.


And so, tonight I think it's only appropriate that I honor the only true love that I know. The Author of love - the Perfector of love. The One who loves me - even when everything I've done screams that He shouldn't. What an amazing thing that is...I am so undeserving. And yet, so thankful. So thankful that His perfect love never fails us. And so, I must believe that there are people out there who believe that their example is God's love. And it's my prayer that those who may not understand that beautiful love can find their answers...that they find their one true love. And know that He will never let them go.

So, I don't need red and pink cards. I don't need chocolates and candy. I don't need all the mushy love junk. Because no matter what is going on in my life, I've always got perfect love - every day of the year.

#5, or, this is what happens when you can't sleep.

Awake tonight. It’s been a strange couple of weeks. Well, couple of months actually…

There’s been a lot of happiness around me. People living their lives…moving forward…and I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern. My life has been temporarily on hold – but, my emotions…those are on a constant and never-ending roller coaster. One minute I’m thinking I’m ok and I can do this - I can make it and I’m stronger than ever – and the next I feel like a child who needs to be held and needs someone to console and reassure and calm my fears.  It’s utterly exhausting.

I really haven’t even felt like I could even fully articulate how I’m feeling. I’m sure people out there who have gone through divorces can sympathize with this. Maybe they can offer some kind of solace to me so I can know there is some light at the end of this tunnel. It’s terrifying at times…to think that I could be so fragile. I never really considered myself that way.  I grew up with some of the meanest boys around! I was playing football in the backyard while a lot of girls my age were playing with ‘barbies’ and ‘my little pony’ (and I can still throw one heck of a spiral, thank you very much). So this rough and tumble tomboy turned into a (eeeekk!!) girl…yikes. This kinda scares me, I must admit. It’s new ground for me – and I’m still (obviously) not accustomed to it yet. It’s funny because in the course of my life, I can only remember a few times when I felt several emotions at once – and it was usually at some traumatic time in my life. Otherwise, I can sum most of my experiences up into a few categories of emotions that I typically operated in only one at a time: happy, sad, angry, hurt and, “meh.” For the most part – I have always been a one emotion at a time kinda girl – and, honestly, I liked that about me. I hate girly drama, and I can’t stand all that typical girl histrionics mess. Of course, this being one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through – I suppose it should come as no surprise that I’ve run the gamut several times over in the last few months – and most of the time I’m carrying more than a couple of emotions at a time on a run.

I think I drew closer to God during this than I have in any other time of my life. But the thing about that is: it’s not a guarantee that we’re going to understand anything any better. It’s not a promise that things are going to be easier. Believe me, as much as I’d like for it to – it just doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. And one of the biggest things I’ve been burdened with during most of this has been forgiveness. I heard on the radio this morning a discussion about forgiveness…about how we interpret how God wants us to forgive…and why, and how we go about doing that. And someone pretty much summed it up for me: you are absolutely to forgive – but sometimes, it can’t be forgotten…and as humans, it’s nearly impossible for us to do that. There will always be scars – if you cut yourself and it heals, a scar sometimes remains. The scar itself doesn’t hurt, but the simple act of memory sometimes brings up the pain you felt. And that’s ok. We should remember those things. Sometimes it’s not healthy to let those people who hurt us back in our lives…and sometimes it is ok. Sometimes God works miracles around us while we’re not paying attention and something changes…and sometimes, God does actually know better than us. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees – and we don’t know that God is weeding our lives… “sifting” as our pastor taught about a year or so ago. I knew that sermon was somehow for me – I just never imagined it was in the way it was. But, I’m 28 years old – not 8. I am perfectly capable of forgiveness…and I think I’ve already made leaps and bounds towards it. I knew in my heart a long time ago that I had to so I started working on it then – I knew that I was not going to carry it around with me. Because that’s the thing about forgiveness – it doesn’t hurt the person you haven’t yet forgiven – it drags you down. I have resolved to not let that happen…I’ve dug my feet in and I’m standing firm on that one. But the scars – the scars will be there for a while. And when I look at my scars, I’ll remember how far I’ve come.

So here I am, being a girl and laughing and crying (sometimes within 37 seconds of each other). Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in my rear view mirror and wonder where the girl I used to know went…where that carefree, I don’t want your drama, I don’t need to be validated constantly, and I can throw a football better than some grown men kind of girl has gone. And sometimes, I can almost glimpse her – so I know she must still be in there somewhere.

And I’m hoping that she makes a full time return in 2011. I’m so excited for this new year. I’m excited for the “new old” me that’s on her way back. I know this year has to be better than last. And while I’ve done a lot of reflecting here lately with the closing of one year and the beginning of another – reflecting on my life and the last few years of it, I’m so ready to start looking forward. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for me, for my family and my friends.

So – it’s a little late, but Happy 2011 everybody! And thank you for your continued love and prayers…you’ll never know how much they are appreciated!!