# 4. or, why ask why?

I’ve found myself doing a lot of thinking in the last few weeks. Not really sure what brought it all on (actually, I’m certain it’s the fact that the holidays are speeding towards me like a freight train and like any well made old silent movie, I’m the damsel in distress who has been tied to the tracks by the bad guy in the black hat and handkerchief mask.)  I’ve found that the same question keeps coming up – Why? I feel like a toddler who’s learning the world…but there’s just been so much tragedy this year – both personally and in lives around mine. I just can’t help but ask…don’t we all in times of distress? It’s the first universal question in our minds. I’ve watched a family lose a young mother to a precious little girl, a daughter, a sister. I watched another family lose a brother, a son, a husband, a young dad to the cutest little boy I’ve seen in a long time. It’s always a “why” that seems to immediately form when we hear of such tragedy. And while we don’t have the answers now, God does. And as hard as it is to trust, there is a reason. I know the feeling – we lost my sister, Dina, in 1997. My parents have been in those shoes. My brother and sister and I felt the pain of these families.

I’ve suffered my fair share of loss in my lifetime. I’ve had my fair share of health scares in my family. But this year, when my marriage fell apart right in front of my eyes – that’s got to be the biggest crisis of my life so far. And the first question I asked God? Yep, “why?” Actually, it was muddled with anger, hurt, fear, regret, and combined with bouts of weeping, insomnia, and a general cloud of sadness and confusion around me. But the beautiful thing about that? God created all those emotions. He CREATED them – He is the author and the Ph.D. of emotions. Wow. Before God created it – none of it existed. So I think because of that, God understands when we hurt, when we cry out in confusion…He created the feeling and the emotion behind it…of course He does. It’s been very important to me to feel everything and acknowledge it during the course of the last few months. I briefly considered going to the doctor for a prescription for an antidepressant…something to numb the pain and clear my mind out a little, but ultimately – I knew I just couldn’t do it. I knew deep down that I didn’t want to go that route. I’m not advocating that this is the way it should be for everyone, but for me, it was the right choice. Doing this without any chemical aide has been a very eye-opening experience.

Which brings me back to my “why” questions and some candid conversations with friends, family and with God about all of this. I know that nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, takes God by surprise. That’s just incredible to me. I told my mom recently that I was having trouble wrapping my mind around grace…I don’t know why, but I suppose I thought that was something exclusive to me. Apparently not. I fail God on a daily basis. And **gasp** sometimes I fail God a bunch of times in one day…heck, in an hour. I fail at little things, and I screw up big stuff, too…I’m not picky. But – no matter what, grace is always there waiting on you. It’s like the oldest and best friend you could ever have. It picks you up, dusts you off, dries your tears, makes you laugh, takes your hand and leads you out of the pit you dug yourself into. And it does all of this without making you feel any worse…there’s no judgment with grace. It doesn’t tell you how many times you’ve called it out of bed at 3:30 in the morning to come help you. It doesn’t tell you what it would rather be doing than dragging your butt out of the muck, AGAIN. In fact, grace makes you feel like there’s nothing in the world more important than you, right now, right in this moment. It’s so beautiful. So real. And it just baffles me. I’m still struggling to understand it…to wrap my mind around such a thing. I thought I understood it years ago…we sing songs about it all the time. “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…” but I think (for me anyway) we just associate that with the defining moment of when a relationship with God begins. When He saved us from what we deserved…but the thought of continued grace – a never-ending supply of the one thing that we couldn’t put one foot in front of the other without - that's something we don't give enough consideration to until we're at a pivotal point in our lives and we're forced to take a closer look at it. It’s just so far beyond what I deserve…and the song is right - it’s so incredibly and wonderfully amazing.

We can all learn a lot from grace. We can learn to give it a little easier. We can learn to receive it humbly. We can learn to ask for it when we need it – from God, and from those around us who care about us the most. We can learn to thank God for it being so readily available to us.

So I’m at a decision point – I can suffer in my own self-inflicted depressing walk down memory lane. I can go back and question God again for the answers to WHY things happen…and when will they finally work out for the good and WHY haven’t things worked out better already. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if I know WHY. God does - and that's the 'saving grace' in all of my troubles and my trials. And that’s all I need to know.

#3. or, how I spent my thanksgiving vacation. or, words of wisdom from an 8 year old.

This was the first year I’ve spent Thanksgiving anywhere but my momma’s kitchen. Well, either there or in front of the TV catching the scores of football games in between naps…and hanging out with my cousins and extended family in the evening. Part of me was sad when I realized Tuesday before Thanksgiving that I would miss all that this year…but, then I snapped back to reality. Because this year, I spent my Thanksgiving break in Virginia – hanging out with my brother, sister-in-law, nieces, and one of my “Byerley” cousins from Texas.

I had such a fantastic time, I must say. It was definitely a much needed escape from reality, and I am so thankful that I was able to go…even though they did put me to work cooking Thanksgiving dinner! Why they trusted me to do that is still beyond me…but why I trusted Richie and Christopher with sharp knives in my presence still eludes me – so I guess we’re even. Clearly, I was so sleepy I didn’t even realize what was going on.

I also learned why God didn’t see fit to give me two brothers instead of one. I have bruises on me that I can not explain. I think it’s evident that they were beating up on me even while I slept (what little bit of sleep I managed to get). My long weekend was filled with cooking, talking, shopping (at 3:30 Friday morning for the next big coveted toy this year),



And this was the line to get into the NEX at 3:25 a.m. Friday morning.

playing games, laughing, watching movies, touring U.S. Naval Ships,



The USS Iwo Jima (among others)

and having the sweetest conversations with my 8 year old niece.

Let me just say first that I can not imagine loving my own children more than I love my nieces and nephew. Of course, all the moms out there will tell me that it’s different, and I’m sure you’re right. But for me, right now, I just can’t. I remember when we found out Peyton was on his way…I was so excited. So excited to be an Aunt for the first time. And Peyton, well, Peyton has proved to be the best nephew ever. He makes me laugh, and cry sometimes, and he’s serious, and goofy, and perfect in every way. He had my heart from the word go…and I think he knew it. He had a rocky start when he got here, but he is growing up to be one heck of a guy. I can not wait to see what’s in store for his life. God is going to use him in a mighty way, I’m sure of it. And then, just when we thought that we were NEVER going to see another baby again – Lindsey and Richie found out Avery was on her way. Can we say excited?! Oh yeah, I was ecstatic. And then, just after that news broke, Kelly and Ronnie find out they are having another one – and here comes Madelyn. Those little girls…they are really something – just 2 months apart...it’s like having twins in the family. They are prissy and sassy and pinked out…and I love them more than words could ever express.  

And then there’s the most recent addition to the Byerley family: Finley. Wow. Just when I thought that my heart was about to overflow, along comes Fin. She scrunches her little nose up when she laughs and smiles - and once again, I’m a goner. I think I’ve officially had ‘sucker’ stamped on my forehead all over again. But it's ok. Really, it is. I wouldn't have it any other way.



Avery called me into her to show me this: "I heart Aunt Ashley"
Yep, i teared up a little.
And then I got my camera out to snap a quick pic.



There’s nothing in this world like being an Aunt, and I love every single minute of it. I’d go without anything for those kids. I love each of them so much that sometimes it baffles me. That’s what love and family is all about though, right? Love. Wait, scratch that - unconditional love. The kind that says: “Yeah, I know sometimes you do stuff you shouldn’t, even when you know better. But, no matter what you do wrong or right, I’ll never love you any different. No more, no less. I just promise to love you, always.”

  






Anyway, back to my story…as 8 year olds tend to be, Avery is inquisitive. And so, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise when she point blank asked me Thanksgiving night about my divorce. For someone who talks a lot…ok, a whole lot, I found myself stumbling over words. I couldn’t form a coherent sentence to save my life. So, I pushed it under the rug and told her that I’d feel better if we talked about it with her mom and dad. She protested for a bit, but agreed to wait. Whew. Crisis avoided. We shopped the next day (my shopping with Lindsey started at 2:30 a.m.), hung out around the house…toured an active Navy ship and played around on the base on Saturday. And as promised, I took Avery to see Megamind Saturday night. Seeing as how we were so busy, Avery forgot about that important conversation we were supposed to have…for a little while. Saturday night, we decided to go see a late movie, and just about the time we shut the truck doors to head to the movie theater, she asked me again. “Aunt Ashley?” “Yes baby?,” I said. I knew what was coming. “What happened with you and Eric?” This is about the time I got the sinking feeling that I couldn’t avoid it any more. I was going to have to talk to her about it. I was going to have to help her understand this. “Well, Avery,” I began, “we…are not going to be married anymore. I didn’t want it to be this way, but sometimes, some things just don’t work out like we want them to.” “So you guys are getting a divorce, then?” “Yes, baby. We are getting a divorce.” Avery stared off out her window for a little while as we drove on…she was lost in her own thoughts. We both were, I suppose. Then, out of nowhere, “Aunt Ashley?” “Yes, Avery?” “Aunt Ashley, I think the next guy that you love is really going to love you. He’s going to treat you like you should be treated. He’s going to be the greatest guy ever. I just know it.” And this – this is where I almost had to pull the truck over. I was overwhelmed with tears and emotions. Her little hand found its way to mine, and she squeezed it and smiled at me. And there, in that sweet little face, I saw my life in a new way, once again. Through the eyes of a little girl. No wonder Jesus said that we should have faith like a child. I learned so much from that conversation. And I’m convinced that I’ll never forget that lesson.

#2 – or, Revolutions and other birthday parties

So, last week I turned 28. I really didn’t want a birthday this year. I just wanted it to be another day and not have to think about it. Considering all that has happened in the last year of my life, I think that’s understandable. But, as my life goes – I didn’t get my wish for a non-existent birthday. It was, however, much more low key than years past. And during dinner with my family, I had a revelation – it was the perfect birthday.

I was surrounded by my friends the weekend before – those who had supported me, laughed and cried with me, encouraged me…they were all right there again. Just as they always had been. Just as they always will be. Laughing, talking and making plans for how we are going to really celebrate this year. We have a lot to be happy about, and this year, we’re going to start acting like it…more to come on that later.

And then, for my actual birthday – a quiet dinner with my incredible family. It was perfect. Complete with cake and ice cream! How could it not be fantastic when there’s a chocolate cake and neopolitan ice cream involved? Because as we all know, neopolitan is the choice for those of us who are, shall we say, decisionally challenged. Strawberry, Chocolate, Vanilla? Who has time to mull over these choices to make the right one, just have a little of each!

But during this year’s birthday festivities, I was struck with one big, sobering thought…Regardless of my circumstances, I am fine. Wow, really? Are you sure? And why am I arguing with myself at my birthday dinner? But, a still, small voice reassured me. Birthdays & divorces (two things that should never ever happen at the same time, by the way) – I’m fine. And I’ll be fine. I’m better than fine, actually. So right there, at my birthday dinner, I experienced my own little revolution. Turned the page, so to speak, in my thought patterns, in how I look at my life, how I deal with my circumstances. I’m gonna be fine. And over the weekend, one of my dearest friends, Kady, confirmed that for me. In the middle of conversations between Kricket and Hayley and some other folks around us, Kady told me that “old Ashley” was back. Thanks, Kady! And, I have to say – I’m glad to be back!

#1 - or, WHAT am i doing here?

I have this best friend, we've been friends for more than 20 years. I sometimes seriously believe she is my soul mate - not in the hokey hollywood love story sense, but in the chosen family sense - when we met at the age of 6 or so, we were instantly friends - and I think we knew then, even at such a young age, that we would be life-long friends...regardless of whether that notion is true or not, I do know that God saw fit to put us in each other's lives for a very specific reason. And through every season of life that I've been through so far, Kricket has been there - playing in the woods and getting lost for hours as kids, boyfriends, breakups, marriages, divorces, deaths, births, sicknesses in our families - everything. If you don't have a friend like that in your life, let me highly recommend it to you right now. Anyway, she's sort of the reason that I even had the idea to start this adventure in blogging...she has told me time and time again about how journaling and writing out her feelings helped her through some difficult times in her life. I love to write, but hate hand cramps - and it seems I always end up with one before I've really gotten into the weeds of anything I write - so here I am - ultimately risking carpal tunnel to have somewhere to vent. But, I digress...

In the last year, Kricket said something to me - on more than one occasion, I might add - that has really stuck with me. I can't remember the circumstances, but she honest to God told me: "You tend to shoot straight from the hip. I know when I ask you something, or ask you for your opinion, I know I'm going to get the truth from you. And I really like that and respect that about you." I was incredibly honored, and humbled at the same time. I've always tried to tell people the truth - sometimes it's easy, sometimes not. Sometimes I'd really rather lie than say something true in a particular situation, but - I truly strive to be honest. I guess it's just part of the golden rule with me - I don't like to feel like I'm being lied to - and so I try my hardest not to lie to others. But shortly after that, Kricket told me one day that I had - and I quote: "A Tic-Tac Heart." Seriously? What does that even mean?, I asked. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. "It means you know, you have a heart - it's just a small one. Like the size of a tic tac." Hmm. Not the most encouraging words ever. I'd like to think that she has this little opinion because I am honest and say what I think and how I feel and sometimes that comes off in a way that can seem a little heartless. But, to me, because I care so much about people, and especially those that are the closest to me, that's why I choose to be so honest with them. That's why. Right? Anyone??

 

So here I am, posting my first blog entry on what hopefully will be a little bit of a healing experience, and an opportunity to set the record straight on who I am, and how I operate. I probably won't always be witty, I won't always have something profound to say, I won't always be nice, I won't always have good days, and sometimes I'll probably use this platform to vent about something that I'm not happy about. But, I do promise that I'll always live up to what my best friend says about me - I will always be honest, I'll shoot from the hip, and if there's any questions left at the end, I'll always

be open to answering them.

And so, thanks for wanting to be a part of this with me. I hope that through this, I can learn something from everyone I cross paths with - in the blogging world, and in life. And to my best friend, Kricket: Thank You...for your unwavering support, your guidance, your laughs, your tears, and most of all - your friendship. It hasn't always been easy, and I'm sure our lives will be full of eggs always, but I simply can't imagine going through it all without you. So, thank you. And I'm looking forward to lots more memories to be made.